Prime Suspects Identified in Global Oxygen Waste Crisis: Men in Department Stores

By Bob Deakin

Sir? Excuse me, sir.

There’s an old Army expression that goes, “If it moves, salute it. If it doesn’t move, pick it up. If you can’t pick it up, paint it.”

The adage is born of a military philosophy discouraging aimless wandering or indecision. Department stores have long been an asylum for men tepidly violating this principle like tourists in Times Square.

According to enterprise retail analysts, non-shopping husbands are responsible for more non-productive oxygen depletion than writers at Starbucks worldwide.

“While we are delighted to encourage husbands everywhere to support their wives in shopping endeavors, we suggest other stimulating locations to pass the time,” says Macy’s Chief Communications Officer Angela Santos. “Most malls and shopping centers have a plethora of wonderful activities for non-shoppers outside of the store.”

Wandering men have been a nuisance since the advent of department stores in the 19th Century. General inattentiveness and lack of peripheral vision deem them a safety hazard and an unnecessary drain on Earth’s natural resources, including water.

“My husband hates shopping but he won’t leave the store,” acknowledges Eileen Torre of Scarsdale, New York. “The only way I can get rid of him is if he finds a store under construction or a bathroom.”

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