Growing Concern Over Inability to Recall Useless Information

By Bob Deakin

Who played guitar in Bon Jovi? It’s on the tip of my tongue. Ah, what’s it matter? I was never a fan, but we Americans had Bon Jovi forced on us back in the day, so I should know.

Richie Sambora. That’s him. A little slow, though, Bob. 

What is happening to my mastery of instant recall? It has never applied to mathematical formulas or world history—more like who played Screech on Saved by the Bell. 

Still, I am concerned. If I cannot tell you the number one song for 1987 (“Walk Like an Egyptian”), who can? Well, AI, but not with my reverence. 

There must be a pharmaceutical for this: Trivialazil, Uselessfactium, or something.

I don’t want a pill; I want my instant recall. I bet it’s as simple as exercising the muscle. The brain’s hippocampus leads that department. Let’s have an intervention and see what the issue is.

Turns out the hippocampus is fine, although we agreed to daily workouts. I’ll begin each day watching TMZ, scrolling Instagram, and listening to Spotify-suggested podcasts.

FYI, I do not share useless information with just anyone. They must want it. And I delight in delivering it. Like a bee making honey.

I Will Not Cease to Recall Useless Information

I am not giving up. Go ahead, ask me who Evel Knievel was. What is Gérard Depardieu's middle name? Who played George Costanza’s mother on Seinfeld?

You are not going to replace me, ChatGPT. I’ve been at it since your robot ancestors were spot-welding parts in automobile factories. 

By the way, it’s not useless information if someone needs it.

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