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All Gas Stations Suck

Updated: Nov 11, 2022

All gas stations suck. Is it written into the business plan of every one of them that you neglect your business and make it look like crap?

I think so, and they all follow through with the plan. They are dirty, and things like air pumps, vacuums, and credit card readers work only on the TV commercials. When was the last time the windshield washer fluid was changed? Probably the last time the hot dog on the rotisserie was.

Nothing works at a gas station, and it’s not supposed to. The odds of your receipt printing at the pump are less than you winning the lottery.

See Cashier for Receipt

BTW, if you have to go to the cashier for your receipt, there will be a lottery guy firmly planted exchanging and checking all of his losing tickets and dragging everyone down with him. Then he’s going to buy new ones. There’s always a chance, right? Okay.

“Pick Six, Double Three, Hippity-Hop, Cash Bang, Triple Deuce.” Old Joe rattles it off like an auctioneer, yet he can’t fold his t-shirt. Five scratch-offs, a box of Mallomars and he's finished. Dollars and loose change of course.

I’m reassuring myself that I’m a good person as I stand in line behind the people behind him. My prayers are patient and powerful. Relax Bob. Please don’t think of old Joe as a nuisance. He’s probably someone’s father.

If I could buy gas somewhere else, in some other universe, I would. But we all have to go to these places. What kind of universe is this?

All Gas Stations Suck

Let’s use the bathroom. That’s going to make everything right. The bears in the woods are better domesticated than the vermin that show up at gas stations. You see things here that you didn’t think a human body could produce.

I get it. No employee wants to clean it. Also part of the gas station code: Make every guest feel worse when they leave than they did before they arrived.


The McDonald’s down the street has toilets cleaner than every piece of equipment you’ve touched in the past five minutes.

What Did I Do Wrong?

What did we, as gas station patrons, do wrong? Why do you, gas station owner, neglect us and your business? Why do all business owners have to maintain their stores except for you? You've gotten away with it forever.

Just throwing it out there:

Would providing exemplary service in a clean establishment not be a better approach? What do you have against me as a consumer? Douchebags.

All Gas Stations Suck

All Gas Stations Suck

I’m going to visit a lot of gas stations this weekend including yours because I don't have a choice. I’m ready for the mind-boggling neglect.

Nobody does it better. Though sometimes I wish someone could. Your day is coming, gas station owner. Somebody will do it better. No one could do it worse.


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